The secret smoker should be grouped with casual smokers, but the effects of secret smoking are so
insidious that it merits a separate chapter. It can lead to the breakdown of personal relationships. In
my case it nearly caused a divorce.
I was three weeks into one of my failed attempts to stop. The attempt had been triggered off by my
wife's worry about my constant wheezing and coughing. I had told her I was not worried about my
health. She said, 'I know you are not, but how would you feel if you had to watch someone you love
systematically destroying themselves?' It was an argument that I found irresistible, hence the attempt
to stop. The attempt ended after three weeks after a heated argument with an old friend. It did not
register until years afterwards that my devious mind had deliberately triggered off the argument. I
felt justly aggrieved at the time, but I do not believe that it was coincidence, as I had never argued
with this particular friend before, nor have I since. It was clearly the little monster at work. Anyway,
I had my excuse. I desperately needed a cigarette and started smoking again.
I could not bear to think of the disappointment this would cause my wife, so I did not tell her. I just
smoked when alone. Then gradually I smoked in the company of friends until it got to the point
where everybody knew I was smoking except my wife. I remember being quite pleased at the time. I
thought, 'Well, at least it is cutting my consumption down; Eventually she accused me of continuing
to smoke. I had not realized it, but she described the times I had caused an argument and stormed
out of the house. At other times I had taken two hours to purchase some minor item, and on occasions
when I would normally have invited her to accompany me, I had made feeble excuses to go alone.
As the antisocial split between smokers and non-smokers widens, there are literally thousands of
cases where the company of friends or relatives is restricted or avoided because of this awful weed.
The worst thing about secret smoking is that it supports the fallacy in the smoker's mind that he is
being deprived. At the same time, it causes a major loss of self-respect; an otherwise honest person
may force himself to deceive his family and friends.
It has probably happened or is still happening to you in some form.
It happened to me several times. Have you ever watched the TV detective series Columbo? The
theme of each episode is similar. The villain, usually a wealthy and respected businessman, has
committed what he is convinced is the perfect murder, and his confidence in his crime remaining
undetected receives a boost when he discovers that the rather shabby and unimpressive-looking
Columbo is in charge of the case.
Columbo has this frustrating practice of closing the door after finishing his interrogation, having
assured the suspect that he is in the clear, and before the satisfied look has disappeared from the
murderer's face, Columbo reappears with: 'Just one small point, sir, which I'm sure you can explain ...'
The suspect stammers, and from that point on we know and he knows that Columbo will gradually
wear him down.
No matter how heinous the crime, from that point on my sympathies were with the murderer. It was
almost as if I were the criminal and that's exactly how those bouts of secret smoking made me feel.
The hours of not being allowed to smoke, then sneaking into the garage for a crafty puff, the ten
minutes of shivering in the cold, wondering where the pleasure was. The fear of being caught redhanded.
Would she discover where I'd hidden the cigarettes, lighter and dog-ends. The relief of
returning to the house undiscovered, immediately followed by the fear that she would smell the
nicotine on my breath and clothes. As I took longer and more frequent risks, the certain knowledge
that sooner or later I was bound to be discovered. The final humiliation and shame when that
certainty became a fact, followed by the immediate return to chain-smoking,
OH THE JOYS OF BEING A SMOKER!